BOUNDARIES!!!

I never knew what boundaries were. Like…I never had them. With anyone. I didn’t see the need for them until I NEEDED them. Boundaries can be set surrounding work, family, money…you name it, but I am writing specifically about setting healthy boundaries when you have been continuously hurt by another person. It is another one of those topics that is really yucky to talk about. It requires us to examine how the behaviour of another person affects us deeply—making us feel emotionally exposed and vulnerable.

We don’t set boundaries, in a healthy way, without first examining the hurt that another person has caused.

Sometimes people, myself included, don’t respond to situations the way we would have expected. They aren’t supportive like we thought they would be. They share strong opinions when we wish they wouldn’t. Sometimes, it is out of these situations that boundaries need to be developed. I think it is really important to note that not everyone is worthy of hearing our story and walking through life’s difficulties with us. Not everyone is in a place to offer the support we need or refrain from judgement. This doesn’t mean we need to cut them out of our lives completely, but it does mean that we set boundaries around what and how much we share with them. It may also mean that we set boundaries for ourselves around how much head and heart space we allow that person to consume. If someone is responding to my hurt with more hurt, or thriving in my sadness, it is a good idea for me to step back and remember that their opinion doesn’t need to count.

What I started to realize in setting boundaries is that it is freeing. Once boundaries have been set, you can start to release some of the anger and resentment that grew in response to hurt. You can begin feeling more in control of a situation that felt very overwhelming, and you can look at the person who has been hurting you in a new light. It’s amazing how clouded our judgement gets when hurt feelings are involved. Boundaries provide more structure and a distance that is needed to fully allow wounds to heal. They allow for some peace in turmoil and bring consistency in upheaval. Boundaries can change over time if necessary—becoming more or less severe.

Ultimately, the biggest struggle for me in setting boundaries has been letting go of what I thought those relationships were and embracing what they are. Not hustling for what I wish the relationship could be, but accepting what it is. Setting boundaries isn’t weak and it isn’t mean. It takes courage and hard work to get to a place where you can turn an unhealthy relationship into one that can function and even thrive.

Prayers for you on this journey.